Use Your Heads and Obey Your Hearts

Fam! it’s Wednesday! and you guessed it, It’s time for Word Crush Wednesdays! I’m taking the reins from B today (God help me) and I think it’s time to clue y’all up on the amazing George The Poet. He is a British spoken word artist and he kinda delves into socio-political issues in his spoken word performances .Trust me we need this now with everything happening around the world.

I have followed his work for years and I love how he has progressed from Rap and Grime to Spoken word and just like B said , Great rappers are great poets.

In this clip he did a spoken word cover for “Maverick Sabre’s – I Need” at BBC Radio 1Xtra’s Live Lounge. I love the part he talked about the power of a woman. So deep!

There are a lot of British hood lingo but I’m sure y’all will get it.

it’s great work! Enjoy!

 

Let’s Rant About It 

Writing is therapy for me it has always been for the longest time . Lately it feels like I have been bottling a lot , felt a bit tight in the gut. So guess what I decided to do?

Exactly! Rant away! So many things to rant about just be patient.

As always I made a list. Here goes.

 

1. The Nigerian Sun:

It’s bad enough that Nigeria is as hard as it is but has anybody seen how hard the sun has been hitting lately? I walked about a 100metres under the sun yesterday and it felt like I was crossing the Sahara desert with no oasis in sight. I almost fainted guys. Temperatures as high as 37 degrees. Man’s has been so hot and I can’t wait for harmattan.

2. NEPA/PHCN /IKDC

So guys, my transformer went kaput about 2 months ago. Yes 2 Months! So guess what the power authorities said?. We have to wait on a 10 month  queue for a new transformer. So with no help in sight the good people of my residential estate decided to take matters into their hands and purchase a new one. We have all been mandated to pay for it. Here’s the kicker though,  The “Power” authorities promptly told us the new transformer will become their property immediately it’s connected to the power grid. How nice (sarcasm). This is so wrong on all levels but this is Nigeria. Nonsense is the order of the day.  Thank God for my inverter/batteries and my generator. But guess what is taking a beating?

3. My Bank Account :

There’s never enough Naira in there. That’s all.  The end.

4. Lagos Drivers:

Do you know how many crazy motorists I see on these Lagos roads on a daily. Lagos drivers keep testing my resolve every damn time. Last week some driver ran into me from behind (Pause). Dude practically slept off on the wheels. Thankfully my car went unscathed. He was not as lucky as I was. I feel for him. Meanwhile I need a new car. Just sending it into the universe.

5. Atiku Abubakar:

The man is a wanted felon in the United States but that hasn’t stopped anybody. He is vying for the presidential  candidacy in 2019. Same ol’ actors in this movie called Nigeria and we keep buying the movie tickets.

So many things to talk about that I can’t list in one post beloved. Lest I forget there are some honorable mentions.

The Nigeria Police (for being a continuous nuisance to motorists) , Nigerian Gossip blogs (The God of Banky and Adesua will Judge you people)  ,Bobrisky (for just existing Lol) and Speed Darlington (for being the annoying fella he is).

*Takes deep breath*

I think I already feel better.

Back to work , back to  reality.

Men , Please Use More Lotion ! 

I used to be the guy that had the worst skin routine.

The best I would do was to use Vaseline on my hair and lips . In harmattan season I would extend it further to my feet.

I’m bald now ( maybe the Vaseline caused that ) and I have hard hands . My lips still remain as soft as ever ( don’t ask me how I know this ) but that was the only physical feature that was saved.

A lot of men feel that having a good skin care routine makes you a more of a Drake and less of a 50 Cent ( my analogies are the worst) Don’t ask me how I came about this assertion but we know this is true . But guys I kid you not immediately I started treating my self better the more I glowed.

I went from using only Vaseline to using :

  • Better soap
  • I started using bath salts to scrub my face before I went in the shower for a bath
  • Cleanser for my skin right before I went under the sheets
  • Shower gel with Goat milk
  • Manicure and Pedicure

Listen beloved , I’m glowing!

Glowing like a light bulb . I get compliments left right and centre !

It’s amazing!

Men if you’re still doubting me let me lay down a list of benefits of moisturizing for y’all :

  • It prevents cancer
  • It wards off premature skin aging
  •  It also prevents wrinkling according to dermatologists.

They had me at cancer .

Go and buy some lotion guys , lotion loves your skin and your skin loves right back.

Treat yourself better.

Much Ado About Ebuka’s Agbada

So Nigeria’s favorite couple Banky W and Adesua had their wedding party over the weekend and it was just fun to see all the “Awwwwww’s” and love emojis in the comments section anywhere their picture was posted on social media. It was great to see the outpouring of love . But , we are not here to discuss the couple interestingly.

I’m just here to give y’all a public service announcement guys. I know anybody who has a major event happening this end of year obviously plans to visit the tailor very soon.

I’m sure perhaps you saw Ebuka’s glorious Agbada and saved that picture just to show your tailor with the words “Shebi you see that Agbada wey Ebuka wear make sure make you sew am like that exactly“.

 

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I will just recite these famous words to you “O ti gba penalty lo throwing“.

You know it takes a lot for the desired results and the actual results to look the same right?  I’m not being a hater just hear me out. I feel there is just a lot that goes into duplicating a particular design and a lot of us fail to take the same steps. I made a list of these important steps. A small list.

Please read carefully.

  • The fabric texture of the original and the duplicate must be the same. You can’t expect to use inferior fabric and achieve the same result.
  • The level of expertise of both tailors must be at par . This is very important beloved.
  • Pay the tailor well , if you’re willing to get the the same level of impeccable work , you gotta motivate your tailor well. Stop haggling with your tailor like you want to buy crayfish.
  • If you want to bypass all this hassle and heart ache just get the name of the tailor and patronize the guy. Some creators just have unique styles which are very hard to duplicate.

But guys , I know no one is going to listen to me right? Right. Let me just go back to scrolling through all these amazing wedding pictures.

Enjoy your day guys.

 

 

December Blues : The Trials and Tribulations Of The Igbo Male

So November is here and right on cue Igbo men around the world are triggered because “Onwa December e rugo.

This basically means in plain English that the month of December is here again.

Why would an Igbo man be triggered you ask? Simply because the communal nature of the Igbo man has  had an adverse effect rather than a positive one. Emeka the Alaba trader and Nnamdi the Investment banker face the same kind of pressures. The pressure to show off your “achievements” in the past year or since the last time you came back.

You would be surprised how much of a thing this is! I have a friend  that works at customs who told me that a lot of cars are going to be cleared at the ports between November and December. Chinedu or Ifeanyi have to stunt on their peers with the latest German or Asian piece of automobile engineering available.

This is the best time for service providers I tell you. First of all transport fares are up by almost 100% or more. Hoteliers know they will be smiling to the bank at these times because rooms are usually fully booked till January 3. Lets not even start to talk about the bars and restaurants located in the east. There is something for everyone I tell you.

It’s always funny how significantly depleted the finances of an Igbo man is in the second week of January and in December the next year just like clockwork we repeat this process again.

Why is there a pertinent need to for the average Igbo man to show his fellow man he has arrived? I don’t care about it really. I am so far removed from these phenomenon  and it’s amazing how much it annoys the average village travelling Igbo man. It’s so surprising to some people when they ask If I am travelling “Home”. How can you not travel every December ? what are you doing in Lagos when your “people” are in the east?

I tell them quite simply  “home is where the heart is” beloved.

 

OTW (Archives): Nigerian Government Should Leave AJ Alone

Anthony “Femi” Joshua fought and won over the weekend.

The British-Nigerian /Nigerian-British slugger (depending on what part of the world you’re  from)  is now 20-0 fights in the heavy weight category at just 28. Damn impressive If you ask me. It had to get to the tenth round but Carlos Takam was stopped regardless.

But we are not here to talk about Anthony Joshua’s greatness.  Not at all.

What I really want to talk about and what irks me, was that our clueless Sports Minister led a delegation to watch the fight in Cardiff over the weekend. I’m not against Nigerians spending taxpayers money to watch a fight. Lets be frank, they will still spend our money whatever way they wish. No accountability at all. That’s talk for another day.

What worries me is that we are going to put the Nigerian curse on that poor boy and kill his destiny. This is not paranoia trust me. Remember Samuel Peter? “The Nigerian Nightmare”? The man was on the rise after he won the WBO  heavy weight belt, then he came to Nigeria and there was so much fun fare!  I’m talking about dancers at the airport, presidential honors and handshakes, streets named after him etc. etc.

Then he fought Kilitchsko and his career was over. He was beaten to a pulp. Of course nobody in the government spoke to him after that.

It’s the Nigerian curse trust me.

So this is a public service announcement to Anthony Joshua and to all sports people of Nigerian descent, plying their trade in any country. If you manage to make it, please stay away from Nigeria till your career is over. After you call time on your career, you can come back.

Solomon Dalung should focus on the Nigerian Boxing Association and all the teeming  boxing talent who can only afford bread and beans or fufu as their major source of nutrition.

Focus on them and not Anthony Joshua, the man will be fine.

Prostitutes/Oloshos/Runs Girls (A Case Study In Marketing )

 

 

It’s funny how this video just helped me buttress this post I’ve been preparing for y’all.

See ehn sometimes I wish I could walk around with a recorder because the conversations I have sometimes (Lol). So just take this journey with me as I give you this thesis I have been working on in 400 words or less.

I was talking to a colleague the other day and I had an epiphany.What is the difference between Oloshos , Prostitutes and Run girls.

Just marketing beloved ,  just good old marketing? Let me break this down with some definitions.

Prostitutes:

This group get the lowest fees for their services and are the least mobile. But they have they highest turn over among the other two . You come to them they don’t come to you. Where are they located? In your neighborhood brothel.

Service fee – Ranges from anything 2,000 – 10,000 depending on the area and the customer.

Oloshos:

These group of women offer their services in a more subtle way. They are always found in a club , lounge etc etc. They could be the strippers in the clubs or even university school students.  The gag is that they even buy their own drinks in a bid to blend in with the partying crowd. How do you notice them? they might be in groups of two or threes and are always the most visible and seductive dancers in the club. Don’t be fooled beloved , the moment you walk up to them and strike up a conversation to take them home. Your going to be asked to pay a fee.

Service fee : 10,000 – 60,000. This literally depends of what area your operating from.

Runs Girls:

These set of people are more targeted and take the highest fee and the funny thing is that it’s a large pool of people in this category .your wife/girlfriend or your sister or even you reading this post. It could be anybody from any work of life. The clientele for this set of people are high value and usually dole out large amounts. They are the MVPs of the three classifications to be honest.

Service fee: 100,000 and above.

So you see guys the services are the same but the packaging is different. I hope I have succeeded in educating y’all. All in all sex is a booming business in Nigeria and sex will always sell with men (single and married) being the biggest patrons. It is not going to change anytime soon. Even though I never understood the concept of prostitutes , Oloshos and runs girls. The prospect of Inserting myself into a strange woman scares me.

Anyways , to each his own.

Whatever path you choose guys , Don’t get lost in the sauce!