Use Your Heads and Obey Your Hearts

Fam! it’s Wednesday! and you guessed it, It’s time for Word Crush Wednesdays! I’m taking the reins from B today (God help me) and I think it’s time to clue y’all up on the amazing George The Poet. He is a British spoken word artist and he kinda delves into socio-political issues in his spoken word performances .Trust me we need this now with everything happening around the world.

I have followed his work for years and I love how he has progressed from Rap and Grime to Spoken word and just like B said , Great rappers are great poets.

In this clip he did a spoken word cover for “Maverick Sabre’s – I Need” at BBC Radio 1Xtra’s Live Lounge. I love the part he talked about the power of a woman. So deep!

There are a lot of British hood lingo but I’m sure y’all will get it.

it’s great work! Enjoy!

 

Let’s Rant About It 

Writing is therapy for me it has always been for the longest time . Lately it feels like I have been bottling a lot , felt a bit tight in the gut. So guess what I decided to do?

Exactly! Rant away! So many things to rant about just be patient.

As always I made a list. Here goes.

 

1. The Nigerian Sun:

It’s bad enough that Nigeria is as hard as it is but has anybody seen how hard the sun has been hitting lately? I walked about a 100metres under the sun yesterday and it felt like I was crossing the Sahara desert with no oasis in sight. I almost fainted guys. Temperatures as high as 37 degrees. Man’s has been so hot and I can’t wait for harmattan.

2. NEPA/PHCN /IKDC

So guys, my transformer went kaput about 2 months ago. Yes 2 Months! So guess what the power authorities said?. We have to wait on a 10 month  queue for a new transformer. So with no help in sight the good people of my residential estate decided to take matters into their hands and purchase a new one. We have all been mandated to pay for it. Here’s the kicker though,  The “Power” authorities promptly told us the new transformer will become their property immediately it’s connected to the power grid. How nice (sarcasm). This is so wrong on all levels but this is Nigeria. Nonsense is the order of the day.  Thank God for my inverter/batteries and my generator. But guess what is taking a beating?

3. My Bank Account :

There’s never enough Naira in there. That’s all.  The end.

4. Lagos Drivers:

Do you know how many crazy motorists I see on these Lagos roads on a daily. Lagos drivers keep testing my resolve every damn time. Last week some driver ran into me from behind (Pause). Dude practically slept off on the wheels. Thankfully my car went unscathed. He was not as lucky as I was. I feel for him. Meanwhile I need a new car. Just sending it into the universe.

5. Atiku Abubakar:

The man is a wanted felon in the United States but that hasn’t stopped anybody. He is vying for the presidential  candidacy in 2019. Same ol’ actors in this movie called Nigeria and we keep buying the movie tickets.

So many things to talk about that I can’t list in one post beloved. Lest I forget there are some honorable mentions.

The Nigeria Police (for being a continuous nuisance to motorists) , Nigerian Gossip blogs (The God of Banky and Adesua will Judge you people)  ,Bobrisky (for just existing Lol) and Speed Darlington (for being the annoying fella he is).

*Takes deep breath*

I think I already feel better.

Back to work , back to  reality.

Men , Please Use More Lotion ! 

I used to be the guy that had the worst skin routine.

The best I would do was to use Vaseline on my hair and lips . In harmattan season I would extend it further to my feet.

I’m bald now ( maybe the Vaseline caused that ) and I have hard hands . My lips still remain as soft as ever ( don’t ask me how I know this ) but that was the only physical feature that was saved.

A lot of men feel that having a good skin care routine makes you a more of a Drake and less of a 50 Cent ( my analogies are the worst) Don’t ask me how I came about this assertion but we know this is true . But guys I kid you not immediately I started treating my self better the more I glowed.

I went from using only Vaseline to using :

  • Better soap
  • I started using bath salts to scrub my face before I went in the shower for a bath
  • Cleanser for my skin right before I went under the sheets
  • Shower gel with Goat milk
  • Manicure and Pedicure

Listen beloved , I’m glowing!

Glowing like a light bulb . I get compliments left right and centre !

It’s amazing!

Men if you’re still doubting me let me lay down a list of benefits of moisturizing for y’all :

  • It prevents cancer
  • It wards off premature skin aging
  •  It also prevents wrinkling according to dermatologists.

They had me at cancer .

Go and buy some lotion guys , lotion loves your skin and your skin loves right back.

Treat yourself better.

December Blues : The Trials and Tribulations Of The Igbo Male

So November is here and right on cue Igbo men around the world are triggered because “Onwa December e rugo.

This basically means in plain English that the month of December is here again.

Why would an Igbo man be triggered you ask? Simply because the communal nature of the Igbo man has  had an adverse effect rather than a positive one. Emeka the Alaba trader and Nnamdi the Investment banker face the same kind of pressures. The pressure to show off your “achievements” in the past year or since the last time you came back.

You would be surprised how much of a thing this is! I have a friend  that works at customs who told me that a lot of cars are going to be cleared at the ports between November and December. Chinedu or Ifeanyi have to stunt on their peers with the latest German or Asian piece of automobile engineering available.

This is the best time for service providers I tell you. First of all transport fares are up by almost 100% or more. Hoteliers know they will be smiling to the bank at these times because rooms are usually fully booked till January 3. Lets not even start to talk about the bars and restaurants located in the east. There is something for everyone I tell you.

It’s always funny how significantly depleted the finances of an Igbo man is in the second week of January and in December the next year just like clockwork we repeat this process again.

Why is there a pertinent need to for the average Igbo man to show his fellow man he has arrived? I don’t care about it really. I am so far removed from these phenomenon  and it’s amazing how much it annoys the average village travelling Igbo man. It’s so surprising to some people when they ask If I am travelling “Home”. How can you not travel every December ? what are you doing in Lagos when your “people” are in the east?

I tell them quite simply  “home is where the heart is” beloved.

 

Choose Happiness

It’s been weeks since I’ve written a regular post! I’m sorry if you’ve noticed and missed me! If not…well i’ll wipe away my one gangster tear in the dark! LOL

Anyway, I guess I’ve been going through a ‘dry uninspired spell’ but i’m slowly trying to get myself out of it and hopefully stay out of it for a while! I guess it’s really because i’ve just been trying to figure out life!

Continue reading “Choose Happiness”

Underwear Etiquette For Dummies

There is a question I secretly ask myself when i’m in the same room with someone that has questionable odor who I also suspect has questionable hygiene.

“How many times does he/she wear their underwear before washing?”. 

This is an important question beloved . Usually anything below one wear and wash is usually nasty to me.

I decided to write this post after I was done watching all those “one corner challenge” videos from Ghana. I tweeted this right after.

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See guys, In secondary school as a young teen my underwear hygiene was wishy-washy to be honest. But when I hit my twenties I “put away childish things” as any grown man or woman shouldBut Its amazing how a lot of us have refused to stop being childish.

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Men are especially culprits for this in all honesty. You see guys wearing underwear for 2 – 5 days  or even one week at a stretch! Incredible! The people that wear boxer shorts are especially guilty of this.

Women y’all are not left out but its skewed more towards bra usage. The bra usage/wash ration for some women are usually staggering. At this point I think we need to have a moment of silence for all those black bras around the world.

The wear/wash ratio for black bras is STAGGERING! My word!

So I’m going to do a list. I call it “Underwear Etiquette for dummies“.

Men

  • Invest in briefs guys , boxers were so 90’s. Briefs push you to pay better attention to your hygiene because it’s made of mostly absorbent cotton, so all the sweat and smells will be easily absorbed. This will push you to wear and wash. Boxer shorts are just deceptive.
  • Buy and dispose briefs like you buy and dispose deodorant roll-ons. If you can’t afford to at least amass an under wear rooster of at least 8 pairs. One for every day of the week and one that’s for reserve in case of emergency  eating spicy vegetable soup or incessant rainfall.
  • If you sleep with a new set of underwear you have to change it before you go to work or go out.

Women

  • With Bras I can concede on one or two things. If you notice you sweat so much in the day make sure you wash that bra right after. If you didn’t sweat much then It’s acceptable to wear twice but it cant be simultaneous wears.
  • Like I advised the men , purchase your underwear like you purchase deodorant.The picture below should be an approximate amount of bras and panties you should have on regular rotation.

bra

  • Black bra/panties doesn’t give you license to wear till infinity ladies. Fear God.

 

Let me leave with this. No matter how beautiful or buff you look as a woman or man. If you underwear business is dodgy then you will lose ALL marks. As charity begins at home you have to be charitable with your underwear washing. Wash Frequently and use sparingly.

A word (500 in the case of this post)  is enough for the wise.

 

A Dramatic Life

We all know life is so fickle you see and sadly half the time, the drama we experience has no music to accompany it. Take for example, someone is seated at home, having a laugh with a couple of friends when he receives a call that makes him weak to his knees. His mum has just had an accident and passed away on the way to the hospital. He cries uncontrollably and is inconsolable. People come visiting, sharing condolences, etc. You know the drill. Its dramatic yea but missing the extra flair. Continue reading “A Dramatic Life”

A Guide On How To Navigate Lagos This Weekend

The weekend is here and we probably have a few places to go to this weekend. Going out in Lagos can be an absolute struggle and If you’re going out with your car then it seems like you need to keep on the alert because every body and their mothers are out to finesse you in some shape or form. It’s such a struggle that I don’t blame anybody who decides to just stay in their homes.

I decided to do a list guys. I call it the finesse list.

Confused? Let me explain (Shout out to Kevin Hart!). So the “finesse list” is a definitive list of people you will encounter on the streets of Lagos on any given day who will be trying to get money from you in any way. Pay attention guys , this is serious business.

  • The Wedding Ribbon Crew/ Mint Note ChangersSpraying-Money-Dance-Nigerian-Wedding

So these set of people perform the two functions. Remember the people that come at you with ribbons to pin on your clothes and ask for money? Exactly , they have  however have diversified their “business portfolio” more into providing Mint Naira notes of lower denomination so you can spray your wedding guests. The charge upwards of 800 – 1000 Naira per bundle depending on the denomination. That’s just Ludicrous. If you must spray please prepare in advance and it doesn’t have to be mint. It’s not that deep.

  • The Car Park Touts

Parking

This set of people are just kings of finesse. They don’t own the land where you park , nor do they have any sort of exceptional skill that gives you parking advantage. But they expect you to give them money. There is nothing you can do about this set of people.  The best thing is to give them money . All you can do is have change handy so you can give them before you drive off. they will expect anything from 200 – 500 Naira to “park” you. But the trick is to hold a 100 Naira in your hands and hand it over to them before you drive off.

  • The Event Bouncers:

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Bouncers at events tire the hell out of me. They will literally wear you out with “Chairman”  or “Boss I hail oh”  to death till you dip your hands into your pocket to tip them. It’s painful to hear and watch. Whenever you encounter this stay strong beloved. A simple way to navigate this problem is to hail them back with as much vigor as they hail you. That usually solves the problem, So when next they hail “Boss I hail oh!” , answer with a higher pitch “My Oga na me hail pass!!

  • The Nigerian Police:

Police

Don’t let those check points fool you. When they flag you down this weekend the first thing you’re going to hear are the famous words “Park!” and “Inner light!”. I usually park and respond by reaching to my pigeon hole to give them my license and registration. What usually ensues is comedy gold.

Police man : Ahn Ahn Oga Na so? , Anything for the weekend? 

Me: Nothing Oh , me sef dey look for something for the weekend.

Police man: Ahn Ahn fine boy like you , nothing dey pocket?

Me: Nothing Oh *Straight face*

Police man : *Sigh* Oya dey go.

Man: Thank You.

Note: For this to work your car papers must be complete oh!

Door Men:

See ehn, this is the singular reason I hate going to fast food restaurants. The hailing you get from door men just so you could tip is so annoying. But have no fear. Apply the same solution I provided for the event bouncers. Hail back or just ignore and walk past. Works like magic.

As Always I hope I have in some way helped you to navigate your weekend. In case I missed any thing leave a comment below on the categories we might have missed in this post. Let’s help each other to finesse the finessers.