Men , Please Use More Lotion ! 

I used to be the guy that had the worst skin routine.

The best I would do was to use Vaseline on my hair and lips . In harmattan season I would extend it further to my feet.

I’m bald now ( maybe the Vaseline caused that ) and I have hard hands . My lips still remain as soft as ever ( don’t ask me how I know this ) but that was the only physical feature that was saved.

A lot of men feel that having a good skin care routine makes you a more of a Drake and less of a 50 Cent ( my analogies are the worst) Don’t ask me how I came about this assertion but we know this is true . But guys I kid you not immediately I started treating my self better the more I glowed.

I went from using only Vaseline to using :

  • Better soap
  • I started using bath salts to scrub my face before I went in the shower for a bath
  • Cleanser for my skin right before I went under the sheets
  • Shower gel with Goat milk
  • Manicure and Pedicure

Listen beloved , I’m glowing!

Glowing like a light bulb . I get compliments left right and centre !

It’s amazing!

Men if you’re still doubting me let me lay down a list of benefits of moisturizing for y’all :

  • It prevents cancer
  • It wards off premature skin aging
  •  It also prevents wrinkling according to dermatologists.

They had me at cancer .

Go and buy some lotion guys , lotion loves your skin and your skin loves right back.

Treat yourself better.

Much Ado About Ebuka’s Agbada

So Nigeria’s favorite couple Banky W and Adesua had their wedding party over the weekend and it was just fun to see all the “Awwwwww’s” and love emojis in the comments section anywhere their picture was posted on social media. It was great to see the outpouring of love . But , we are not here to discuss the couple interestingly.

I’m just here to give y’all a public service announcement guys. I know anybody who has a major event happening this end of year obviously plans to visit the tailor very soon.

I’m sure perhaps you saw Ebuka’s glorious Agbada and saved that picture just to show your tailor with the words “Shebi you see that Agbada wey Ebuka wear make sure make you sew am like that exactly“.

 

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I will just recite these famous words to you “O ti gba penalty lo throwing“.

You know it takes a lot for the desired results and the actual results to look the same right?  I’m not being a hater just hear me out. I feel there is just a lot that goes into duplicating a particular design and a lot of us fail to take the same steps. I made a list of these important steps. A small list.

Please read carefully.

  • The fabric texture of the original and the duplicate must be the same. You can’t expect to use inferior fabric and achieve the same result.
  • The level of expertise of both tailors must be at par . This is very important beloved.
  • Pay the tailor well , if you’re willing to get the the same level of impeccable work , you gotta motivate your tailor well. Stop haggling with your tailor like you want to buy crayfish.
  • If you want to bypass all this hassle and heart ache just get the name of the tailor and patronize the guy. Some creators just have unique styles which are very hard to duplicate.

But guys , I know no one is going to listen to me right? Right. Let me just go back to scrolling through all these amazing wedding pictures.

Enjoy your day guys.

 

 

December Blues : The Trials and Tribulations Of The Igbo Male

So November is here and right on cue Igbo men around the world are triggered because “Onwa December e rugo.

This basically means in plain English that the month of December is here again.

Why would an Igbo man be triggered you ask? Simply because the communal nature of the Igbo man has  had an adverse effect rather than a positive one. Emeka the Alaba trader and Nnamdi the Investment banker face the same kind of pressures. The pressure to show off your “achievements” in the past year or since the last time you came back.

You would be surprised how much of a thing this is! I have a friend  that works at customs who told me that a lot of cars are going to be cleared at the ports between November and December. Chinedu or Ifeanyi have to stunt on their peers with the latest German or Asian piece of automobile engineering available.

This is the best time for service providers I tell you. First of all transport fares are up by almost 100% or more. Hoteliers know they will be smiling to the bank at these times because rooms are usually fully booked till January 3. Lets not even start to talk about the bars and restaurants located in the east. There is something for everyone I tell you.

It’s always funny how significantly depleted the finances of an Igbo man is in the second week of January and in December the next year just like clockwork we repeat this process again.

Why is there a pertinent need to for the average Igbo man to show his fellow man he has arrived? I don’t care about it really. I am so far removed from these phenomenon  and it’s amazing how much it annoys the average village travelling Igbo man. It’s so surprising to some people when they ask If I am travelling “Home”. How can you not travel every December ? what are you doing in Lagos when your “people” are in the east?

I tell them quite simply  “home is where the heart is” beloved.

 

Underwear Etiquette For Dummies

There is a question I secretly ask myself when i’m in the same room with someone that has questionable odor who I also suspect has questionable hygiene.

“How many times does he/she wear their underwear before washing?”. 

This is an important question beloved . Usually anything below one wear and wash is usually nasty to me.

I decided to write this post after I was done watching all those “one corner challenge” videos from Ghana. I tweeted this right after.

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See guys, In secondary school as a young teen my underwear hygiene was wishy-washy to be honest. But when I hit my twenties I “put away childish things” as any grown man or woman shouldBut Its amazing how a lot of us have refused to stop being childish.

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Men are especially culprits for this in all honesty. You see guys wearing underwear for 2 – 5 days  or even one week at a stretch! Incredible! The people that wear boxer shorts are especially guilty of this.

Women y’all are not left out but its skewed more towards bra usage. The bra usage/wash ration for some women are usually staggering. At this point I think we need to have a moment of silence for all those black bras around the world.

The wear/wash ratio for black bras is STAGGERING! My word!

So I’m going to do a list. I call it “Underwear Etiquette for dummies“.

Men

  • Invest in briefs guys , boxers were so 90’s. Briefs push you to pay better attention to your hygiene because it’s made of mostly absorbent cotton, so all the sweat and smells will be easily absorbed. This will push you to wear and wash. Boxer shorts are just deceptive.
  • Buy and dispose briefs like you buy and dispose deodorant roll-ons. If you can’t afford to at least amass an under wear rooster of at least 8 pairs. One for every day of the week and one that’s for reserve in case of emergency  eating spicy vegetable soup or incessant rainfall.
  • If you sleep with a new set of underwear you have to change it before you go to work or go out.

Women

  • With Bras I can concede on one or two things. If you notice you sweat so much in the day make sure you wash that bra right after. If you didn’t sweat much then It’s acceptable to wear twice but it cant be simultaneous wears.
  • Like I advised the men , purchase your underwear like you purchase deodorant.The picture below should be an approximate amount of bras and panties you should have on regular rotation.

bra

  • Black bra/panties doesn’t give you license to wear till infinity ladies. Fear God.

 

Let me leave with this. No matter how beautiful or buff you look as a woman or man. If you underwear business is dodgy then you will lose ALL marks. As charity begins at home you have to be charitable with your underwear washing. Wash Frequently and use sparingly.

A word (500 in the case of this post)  is enough for the wise.

 

A Guide On How To Navigate Lagos This Weekend

The weekend is here and we probably have a few places to go to this weekend. Going out in Lagos can be an absolute struggle and If you’re going out with your car then it seems like you need to keep on the alert because every body and their mothers are out to finesse you in some shape or form. It’s such a struggle that I don’t blame anybody who decides to just stay in their homes.

I decided to do a list guys. I call it the finesse list.

Confused? Let me explain (Shout out to Kevin Hart!). So the “finesse list” is a definitive list of people you will encounter on the streets of Lagos on any given day who will be trying to get money from you in any way. Pay attention guys , this is serious business.

  • The Wedding Ribbon Crew/ Mint Note ChangersSpraying-Money-Dance-Nigerian-Wedding

So these set of people perform the two functions. Remember the people that come at you with ribbons to pin on your clothes and ask for money? Exactly , they have  however have diversified their “business portfolio” more into providing Mint Naira notes of lower denomination so you can spray your wedding guests. The charge upwards of 800 – 1000 Naira per bundle depending on the denomination. That’s just Ludicrous. If you must spray please prepare in advance and it doesn’t have to be mint. It’s not that deep.

  • The Car Park Touts

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This set of people are just kings of finesse. They don’t own the land where you park , nor do they have any sort of exceptional skill that gives you parking advantage. But they expect you to give them money. There is nothing you can do about this set of people.  The best thing is to give them money . All you can do is have change handy so you can give them before you drive off. they will expect anything from 200 – 500 Naira to “park” you. But the trick is to hold a 100 Naira in your hands and hand it over to them before you drive off.

  • The Event Bouncers:

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Bouncers at events tire the hell out of me. They will literally wear you out with “Chairman”  or “Boss I hail oh”  to death till you dip your hands into your pocket to tip them. It’s painful to hear and watch. Whenever you encounter this stay strong beloved. A simple way to navigate this problem is to hail them back with as much vigor as they hail you. That usually solves the problem, So when next they hail “Boss I hail oh!” , answer with a higher pitch “My Oga na me hail pass!!

  • The Nigerian Police:

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Don’t let those check points fool you. When they flag you down this weekend the first thing you’re going to hear are the famous words “Park!” and “Inner light!”. I usually park and respond by reaching to my pigeon hole to give them my license and registration. What usually ensues is comedy gold.

Police man : Ahn Ahn Oga Na so? , Anything for the weekend? 

Me: Nothing Oh , me sef dey look for something for the weekend.

Police man: Ahn Ahn fine boy like you , nothing dey pocket?

Me: Nothing Oh *Straight face*

Police man : *Sigh* Oya dey go.

Man: Thank You.

Note: For this to work your car papers must be complete oh!

Door Men:

See ehn, this is the singular reason I hate going to fast food restaurants. The hailing you get from door men just so you could tip is so annoying. But have no fear. Apply the same solution I provided for the event bouncers. Hail back or just ignore and walk past. Works like magic.

As Always I hope I have in some way helped you to navigate your weekend. In case I missed any thing leave a comment below on the categories we might have missed in this post. Let’s help each other to finesse the finessers.

 

 

The Entitlement Culture

It’s interesting how a thing like entitlement  has become a trend here in Nigeria. Back in the day it was street hustlers that held sway. How many times has a well dressed beggar walked up to you with an exact request and some “documentation” supporting that request? I know we get that every time right? Well guess what? It’s a growing trend on social media too. People are making bogus money requests online now.

Continue reading “The Entitlement Culture”

Weekend Behavior

It’s Sunday night again and I’m here asking the same question…how is the weekend over already? I wonder why we can’t just have 3 days as the weekend. You may argue that Friday is a weekend but if you think about it, it actually isn’t. You still have to go to work or round up that your hustle for the week. Such a stressful thing this adulting is. If I had known, I woulda heeded the warnings of those elders that hinted at us enjoying our youth rather than hurrying to grow up. Now being an adult has it merits, but if I could I would just prefer to go back to my university days.  Continue reading “Weekend Behavior”

Men, Hide Your Hoodies!

I was on my way to work and I didn’t drive today so I was exposed to the elements.

Of course straight out of the page of a tragic movie the heavens opened and it started pouring rain. It had been threatening to rain all day so I left the house prepared  and all thanks to my trusted hoodie I was happily protected from the elements.

Guess If I didn’t have one on guys. Just guess? Tragedy.

Bearing this in mind now I need to ask a question to the women? Why are our hoodies always in danger? Why? Especially for such an important item in our wardrobe like the hoodie. I know y’all are going to say “Oh It’s a sign of your love for us” , but no  find other innovative ways to love us and leave our hoodies alone! It actually is  a sign of love if you leave them alone. The sad thing is that the best ones are always taken from us! The Best ones!

Because we are nice guys you can have the T-shirts , boxers/briefs , socks,sweat tops  and even the chicken from our plate but no the hoodies are out of bounds.

Sad thing is that you could go to the store and purchase all the female hoodies in the world for our women and they still want ours.

Kuku kill us na .

We know the hoodies smell like us but you can have the T-shirts for that. I mean it’s a fair trade isn’t it?

Guys reading this please send the ravens to all men throughout the seven kingdoms , we know they wont listen so here’s the memo ; just go and hide your hoodies.

Simple.

 

Rigors Of The Online Dating Game

Dating is stress guys. Absolutely stress. Especially if you have a tough schedule. Picking the right partner who is not a witch or demon in disguise is the toughest thing ever.

Where and how people go about finding is not science so people try all sorts.

So I overheard a few people talking about Tinder app for Nigeria and thought to myself “It would be nice to check out all these dating sites and dating trends on all these social media pages. Trust me when I say this….It was like going into a huge rabbit hole.

Things are happening guys!!!

So I actually went and created profiles on a few dating sites under the pseudo name , (Please don’t laugh) “MickyBlueyes” (This investigative journalism mode that has taken over me won’t be the death of me I swear).

So here is the rundown.

1. Tinder

Beloved please if you happen to be looking for love please read this carefully , DO NOT GO ON TINDER! That place is not for the faint-hearted . Tinder is for sex like Uber is for transport.You swipe on a girl and her going fee is about Thirty Thousand (N30,000) for a night. Thirty Thousand? Maybe I’m a cheapskate but do you know how many internet monthly subscriptions that will get me?? It’s even more treacherous for girls because before you know  it the men you meet on there are asking for sex of the bat and sending you penis pictures. Everyone is brazen there. Not the way the app was intended to be used I’m sure but you know how Nigeria warps everything.

2. Mingle 2

Mingle 2 was a less scarring experience. But the first thing that hit me was the disclaimer as I was trying to sign up the app. ” DO NOT SEND MONEY TO ANY PERSON FOR ANY REASON . MINGLE 2 WILL NOT BE LIABLE FOR ANY FRAUD CASES THAT TRANSPIRE ON THE SITE”.  I guess a lot of guys and women have used the app to dupe women and men. But there were a lot of Nigerians there of all ages.I did a targeted search and looked for “women in Lagos  between the ages of 20 – 40” which yielded lots of results. Interesting stuff. Fortunately I didn’t stay long enough to strike conversations with anybody but Mingle was less Tinder-esque.

3. Badoo

Similar name with the cult that is currently ravaging Ikorodu but this is certainly not their dating site. Apparently Badoo has been around for a much longer time.However , it seems like it used to be the go to dating site for the much younger people. I cannot confirm whether its still a popular place to go to and i din’t have enough time to do exhaustive research but it was pretty popular some years back.

4. Insta Message / Twitter /LINKED IN / Facebook / Instagram :

I grouped all these social media apps together for a reason. We all know they weren’t traditionally designed for dating but that hasn’t stopped anybody has it? People are shooting their shot on a daily basis in all those places beloved! Its an amazing dating pool. It will shock you how many men and women are messaging each other even on Linked In. Yes Linked In! Linked In is unique because people are most likely to surrender their actual information on there. So you immediately know what you are getting in terms of social status , education and looks. Amazing stuff !! So while your looking for potential employees there are men that are looking for their mates on there. Twitter nko? Lets not be naive guys  , the number of marriages and relationships and sex that goes on there that comes out in the open is good enough indication to show whats going on in secret.  Facebook is the same thing also. People message everybody looking for a potential mate. Insta message and Instagram is the same. At least now we know why people are stunting for the Gram.

I could go on and on guys.

The thing is that looking for love online is only going to increase. Interaction in this decade will continue to increase online and decrease offline

All I can say is look and look again before you leap. Try not to be catfished , defrauded or even raped. There are lots of pervs and predators on there. But there are success stories don’t get me wrong. Lots of happy endings.

Like everything in life there are two sides to every coin.

 

Hey guys. Have you gone on a dating site before?  What was your experience like? Hit us up in the comments section lets find out the ones we missed on this post.