The Theory Of Body Count Management

Ladies and gentlemen gather round we have important things to discuss.

Anybody heard about body count management?  Anybody ? I’m sure most guys will be clueless about this ( as always) and I know some of you women have discussed this and implemented this consciously or unconsciously.

Okay chill out , let me give you a definition.

Body count management  is the intricate process of keeping a small number of men on a regular sexual rotation . This is usually done to reduce the number of sexual partners to a small and concise number

There you go.

First of all I want to blame men for this. Y’all kiss and tell too damn much!  This is the same reason why sex toys are in high demand (All the pleasure and none of the hassle and gossip) I never understand why a grown man will have consensual sex with a woman and go to the high heavens to brag about it. Why on earth??

This is patriarchal society in play again.

Woman sleeps with ten guys and she is a hoe , while a man sleeps with the same number and he is a stud.

Sigh.

Back to the women though. I must applaud y’all for coming up with this. I mean this is elite thinking from y’all. Trust women to always be evolved and a step ahead of both genders.

So I hear single women get three or two guys they are comfortable with and stick to them when they want to have sex. Its like a sex rooster. So guys ,  when you feel she is coming back to you because your laying amazing pipe. I have sad news for you , your sex is not that great. She is managing her body count.  It’s an amazing concept to be honest.  Certainly a better option than racking up a huge count of bodies and reducing your bride price in the process .

I also feel we should just stop asking the body count question when dating. Because people will just lie anyways. If you want to date her then date her or just keep it moving.

We will revisit this topic on another day but let me face Monday.

 

 

A Guide On How To Navigate Lagos This Weekend

The weekend is here and we probably have a few places to go to this weekend. Going out in Lagos can be an absolute struggle and If you’re going out with your car then it seems like you need to keep on the alert because every body and their mothers are out to finesse you in some shape or form. It’s such a struggle that I don’t blame anybody who decides to just stay in their homes.

I decided to do a list guys. I call it the finesse list.

Confused? Let me explain (Shout out to Kevin Hart!). So the “finesse list” is a definitive list of people you will encounter on the streets of Lagos on any given day who will be trying to get money from you in any way. Pay attention guys , this is serious business.

  • The Wedding Ribbon Crew/ Mint Note ChangersSpraying-Money-Dance-Nigerian-Wedding

So these set of people perform the two functions. Remember the people that come at you with ribbons to pin on your clothes and ask for money? Exactly , they have  however have diversified their “business portfolio” more into providing Mint Naira notes of lower denomination so you can spray your wedding guests. The charge upwards of 800 – 1000 Naira per bundle depending on the denomination. That’s just Ludicrous. If you must spray please prepare in advance and it doesn’t have to be mint. It’s not that deep.

  • The Car Park Touts

Parking

This set of people are just kings of finesse. They don’t own the land where you park , nor do they have any sort of exceptional skill that gives you parking advantage. But they expect you to give them money. There is nothing you can do about this set of people.  The best thing is to give them money . All you can do is have change handy so you can give them before you drive off. they will expect anything from 200 – 500 Naira to “park” you. But the trick is to hold a 100 Naira in your hands and hand it over to them before you drive off.

  • The Event Bouncers:

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Bouncers at events tire the hell out of me. They will literally wear you out with “Chairman”  or “Boss I hail oh”  to death till you dip your hands into your pocket to tip them. It’s painful to hear and watch. Whenever you encounter this stay strong beloved. A simple way to navigate this problem is to hail them back with as much vigor as they hail you. That usually solves the problem, So when next they hail “Boss I hail oh!” , answer with a higher pitch “My Oga na me hail pass!!

  • The Nigerian Police:

Police

Don’t let those check points fool you. When they flag you down this weekend the first thing you’re going to hear are the famous words “Park!” and “Inner light!”. I usually park and respond by reaching to my pigeon hole to give them my license and registration. What usually ensues is comedy gold.

Police man : Ahn Ahn Oga Na so? , Anything for the weekend? 

Me: Nothing Oh , me sef dey look for something for the weekend.

Police man: Ahn Ahn fine boy like you , nothing dey pocket?

Me: Nothing Oh *Straight face*

Police man : *Sigh* Oya dey go.

Man: Thank You.

Note: For this to work your car papers must be complete oh!

Door Men:

See ehn, this is the singular reason I hate going to fast food restaurants. The hailing you get from door men just so you could tip is so annoying. But have no fear. Apply the same solution I provided for the event bouncers. Hail back or just ignore and walk past. Works like magic.

As Always I hope I have in some way helped you to navigate your weekend. In case I missed any thing leave a comment below on the categories we might have missed in this post. Let’s help each other to finesse the finessers.

 

 

The Entitlement Culture

It’s interesting how a thing like entitlement  has become a trend here in Nigeria. Back in the day it was street hustlers that held sway. How many times has a well dressed beggar walked up to you with an exact request and some “documentation” supporting that request? I know we get that every time right? Well guess what? It’s a growing trend on social media too. People are making bogus money requests online now.

Continue reading “The Entitlement Culture”